Or I will go to bed unfulfilled. Can't do that, especially in January. It's not enough that all motivation is sagging around my ankles, or that my energy level wouldn't light a 25 watt bulb, or that the dog still has to pee come rain or shine. But today it snows. Not a pretty, white, fun snow, but a snow "shower" that doesn't accumulate, but simply falls and turns to water.
Later on, it will turn to ice. Not enough to stay in, and feel insanely comfortable watching TV and eating popcorn. Just enough to be invisible, and cause some accidents.
I have contemplated drinking all week. My mind has roamed from vodka to bourbon, and back again. I have pulled out my bag of tools to stop from going to the liquor store: thinking about how I would feel the next day, thinking about how those that love me would feel, thinking about possibly ending up in jail for something stupid, or breaking my neck falling down the stairs, or tipping into the bathtub while peeing. I have done all these things. What holds me together today is the anticipation of an AA meeting tonight, a talk with a sponsor this morning, and the realization that I do not want to drink. And that, sometimes in this world, I can have what I want.
I even bought the movie, "Flight" which is a Denzel Washington work that I recommend.
I have plans for me. And I don't want to mess it up.