Friday, February 28, 2014

I Turn 50 This Year

I have a friend who is coming to visit the new apartment (and me) today. I am already manic, but am trying, through dint of effort to calm myself down. Cleaning the apartment has helped, and I have to take a shower in a bit; cleaning oneself is always the strongest social move. And I live with cats, so I should know.

The walk with Max this morning was bursting with white sunlight, and cold. I am fairly frantic to be back on my medication. Mania is always fun, most of the time, but I know, as day follows night, that depression will follow. I enjoy depression as much as an axe to the head, so I have to think ahead.

I don't know what has taken hold of me. I want to be free of this poor body that malfunctions. I want the body chemistry I had at 6 years of age. I don't know what I want. I just know that I am tired of pills and potions, poking and prodding. I am tired of doctors and their theories about what will work, when they have no personal experience of the consequences of their prescriptions. I am tired of the side effects that accompany every medication.

Almost 50 years of age, I am not tired of living. I think I get smarter, and more beautiful every year. I dress better than I did when I was 20, and I am much kinder. I have more friends and I count their value higher. I know what mode of living works for me. I know what I will tolerate, and what I will not. I value discovery more, as I get older.

Life is more interesting and less settled than it has ever been. I find I like that.

I remember my Grandfather on my Mother's side. We called him Papa. I remember him at the age of 55, when he retired, and how ancient he seemed to me then. I remember high school as if it were yesterday, and parts of my childhood, too. As much as I bitch and moan to my therapist, not all of life was bad.

Life is richer, today. I am less afraid to talk to strangers, or to go where I know no one. At 30, I thought I had life figured out. Now I know that I know nothing, and I like that. There is more to discover. I like yogurt more, and chocolate less. I like tea more, and coffee less. I want an adventure every day, and everyday is an adventure.

So don't be afraid of growing older. (And the sex is definitely better.)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Groups of Me

I have group today for Borderline Personality disorder. It will be the first time this year I have gone; it was one of the weekly events I let go when I moved. It will be good to go back.

It is cold today, with a wind that is typical in Spring for this small valley. My allergies tell me that something is in bloom, somewhere. Warm one day, and cold the next, I can smell Spring in the air. This time last year, I could walk outside without too much trouble. This year, as cold as it has seemed, makes almost every outing a battle. It is supposedly, the fourth warmest January on record. It has not seemed that way to me, here.

I am keeping my Christmas tree up. I like the ornaments and the memories they carry, and I like the soft glow of the lights at night time. It is not much different than having a fake plant in the living room, other than it is very much more lovely than any 'fake' plant. I always go in for having live plants around the house, by the way. I love plants inside. They make a room alive in a way that no other decorations can. But I have a jar of fake yellow flowers on top of the refrigerator, as I believe no other room requires a jar of flowers than a kitchen, year round.

They look like wind flowers, yellow and blowy, poised to ruffle in the breeze. They look as if I picked them from the roadside, on some long ago highway. They look like a memory of a great-Aunt's table in Raleigh.

Of course, I will take down the Christmas wreath and put up the wreath with lilac blossoms in it, that I always put up in Spring, as my Mother did. I will put up the things under the tree, the blanket, and the basket of colorful Christmas balls that my sister-in-law gave me.

The man I love made a house for the unicorn meat eating cats last night, from a Dell computer box. They leaped in and out of it, when it was just a box in the kitchen. But now that it has been modified for them, by sealing the top and bottom and cutting holes in either side, they wouldn't touch it with the proverbial 10 foot spoon. I can see that I will have to resort to catnip to entice them to enter. And maybe, a cushion or two.

The cars are busy below the windows, and the tree stands in the distance, brown against the stormy sky. Angry gray clouds move against a blue and white sky. I feel the need to plant a tree or two, and to walk where tulip trees bloom. I know Tinker Creek runs black now, where the moss will make it green, later. Max, the dog, deserves to be walked properly, along the banks of Tinker Creek, where I walked Eddie for so long.

I tolerate coffee and cold much less now than any other time in my life. It's the caffeine, and the delicious coffee oil, and my breathing that causes the trouble, to be exact. But I will hold onto my coffee as long as I can. The smoking may have to be stopped this summer.

Time to get some housework done before my group. And, out of that vat of spaghetti I made yesterday, I gave 5 batches away. And that's the fun of making spaghetti sauce yourself...

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Rebirth of Swing

Today is gloriously sunny but with that Spring nip in the air. The wind is up, and the windows, and the electric wires outside sing with it. All of the animals sleep this morning, as if hibernating. The coffee was good, but I drink less and less of it. I blame it on my changing chemistry, in this year of turning 50.

Today is spaghetti day; I make my own sauce, and it is an event. It will cook on the stove all day, and tonight, I will make angel hair pasta for it. I have lettuce for salad, and garlic bread will be good, as always.

I read at Liminal:An Alternative Artspace tonight. It's a rather dark poem I will read, according to the man I love. But it's one of my favorites...

The man I love bought me a large child's bear last night, for company when he isn't here. The animals accepted the creature into the bed, his permanent home. I might call him Albert. I am still using the electric blanket at night assures me of the company of all the animals while I sleep. It can be very comforting.

My moods are on the upturn. It has been 3 weeks since I stopped taking the mood stabilizer I was on. The side effect of constant heartburn pushed me into it. I have not been this drug free in 20 years. We will see what we will see. I realize it could be a part of insanity to not want to take my meds anymore. It is typical for those who are bipolar. It's all well and good to think, "Well, I feel good now, maybe I don't need my medications anymore." And then sometime or other, eventually, the bottom will rush up to meet me, and I won't be able to get to my shrink fast enough.

But I live in extraordinary circumstances now. I have never had an apartment of my own. And Spring is right around the bend. I am in menopause. I want to see how my disorders will act. Mental disabilities are said to become lighter as we age. I feel that this year, as I turn 50, I need to see my disorders to be able to treat them properly. Up to this point, my treatment is the same as it was when I was 32.

It's time to change.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Newest Day

And yesterday was lovely. I struggle without some medications, but press on in the fight against my alcoholism by going to 2 or more meetings a day. It feels freeing, and the social aspects are good for me. I am busy all day, and enjoy both leaving home and coming back.

The sky is gray today, and leaden, but the trees in the distance are exclamations of the change in season to come. One year, to combat depression, I walked every single day. For me that year, Spring started in February. The days grew longer slowly during that month, and the winter was soft and warm that year.

The winter is colder this year, and my darkness is deeper, but I wake to the sun with excitement in this early Spring weather. I awake at my leisure, and go to sleep when I am tired. I eat well now, and enjoy the food. I am happy to see people, and happy to see my loving animals. I have a man I love, who loves me.

So don't give up, in this mid-Winter of the spirit. The days lengthen, and the windows pop open, and the breezes flow, and whisper in the trees in the distance.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Here Comes the Sun...

It is supposed to hit 63F today, and I simply wait for this miracle to happen. The unicorn meat eating cats circle the door to the outside; I will have trouble this Spring. They cannot go out at the apartment where I am now. I simply hope that some windows cracked open, and the window ledges satisfy them.

I still feel awkward blogging after the hiatus. I have come off of my anti-depressant on the advice of my shrink. I feel good today, and I am happy to take one less medication. I no longer feel psychotic, anxious, depressed, lonely, or withdrawn. To climb out of that pit is a joyful thing, and the world seems new. The dog is happier, too. He gets more walks and more attention.

Depression is not so bad for the cats; they simply circle me and lie down, but Max suffers when I go through a spell. For a while, the darkness outside was a tangible circle, circumscribing my life. I could not go out into it. The traffic next door, or that of my neighbors, was terrifying. Danger and men swirled through my dreams. But that storm has passed and I find myself looking forward to each day at a 12 Step meeting. I no longer take naps, I don't want to waste the day. Not that naps are a waste...I highly recommend them. It's just that I have taken my share of them for a while, and have little time during the day to focus on resting.

So now, I have my coffee while the dog sleeps next to me, and a cat climbs down my shoulder for some love...thinking of you.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


Three crows called to Max and I, on our morning walk. I have missed you all.

I don't really know what to tell you. I won't try to write a synopsis of my disease induced illnesses. Suffice it to say, I was confined for a while in my own mind, to the point that I couldn't even take care of Max. I have missed the trees, and the field. I have missed the company of my own kind, and that of my babies. I have missed writing, as you can tell.

I made it through with the help of my 12 Step program, the love of my friends, and the loving kindness of the man who loves me, and whom I love.

The sun shines today, and I am hopeful of an early Spring.

I suppose that I have not been writing as well, because I feel a bit lost in this unfamiliar landscape of the city. The line of traffic, and the comings and goings at the store next door are endlessly fascinating, but not something I am used to finding inspiration from.

But what am I talking about? Simply that, after all the upheaval of the past couple of months, at least one unicorn meat eating cat still manages to weasel their way onto or under or beside the laptop whenever it is open. They love the tall, broad windows of the old house that I live in. They too, are spellbound by the traffic...the birds as they rest on the electric wires outside. They chitter, they chomp, they race room to room for the sunniest spots.

They love the electric blanket, and pine when I turn it off every morning. They settle under the Christmas tree, still up, and gaze at the lights.

I have a long way to go, but at least I got this post written. I am excited about the future, and the future of this blog. I love you all.