Thursday, September 13, 2012


Thank all the gods I have therapy this morning! I have spent the last hour trying to keep a fellow blogger from cutting or committing suicide. They are not the same impulses, although many people think they are. Cutting has a lot to do with numbness or rage. Suicidal impulses have to do with hopelessness, depression and feelings of worthlessness.

And yes, with Borderline Personality Disorder, it is possible to feel both to the point of being overwhelmed by one's impulses. When you are in those states, it takes every last shred of energy just to get out of bed, much less to make the bed, or walk to the window or the door to get some fresh air. You are simply frozen where you are until the attack passes. If it passes before you damage yourself. Everything in you screams to be relieved of the pain, hopelessness and of the self. There is no past or future. Everything hangs on the edge of a blade.

And, in return, society posts cartoons belittling people on disability and/or foodstamps. I read a rant against Facebook cartoons about those on foodstamps and disability this morning and I agree with her. Invisible disabilities and poverty are punishable by smearing in the public media and in social situations. If you are not dripping lice and wearing rags, you have no right to any assistance.

While those of us at the bottom of the food chain keenly feel society's punitive attitude. We blame ourselves for being poor, which adds to the burden of the mentally "ill". I paid into the system for years, and right now, I cannot get any dentist in the Roanoke Valley to re-do a filling. There are programs for the unemployed, for the employed and low income, and for children. Laudable efforts, all. There is no program for the disabled, invisible or visible, in Roanoke. We are just supposed to drop off of the face of the earth. F**k you and your teeth and your concerns about your health and well-being.

God forbid you should be concerned about your appearance. Because the poorer you look, the more disgusted society is. Yes, "they" deserve having a mental illness, "they" deserve being born with cerebral palsy, or having an accident or a stroke.

That's enough for now. I am trying to fight for the life of someone I have never met and it has me stirred to the point of outrage for them. The lack of drugs for our conditions, the lack of help, the lack even of any kind of concern or compassion is enough to drive one into a frenzy. 

So the next time you feel a need to pass on those cute cartoons on Facebook denigrating those living on disability, in poverty, please don't share.

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