Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I Belong to Me

The night is lovely, with its silences and its stars. The cats are quiet this morning, under the stars, and the maple tree. The garden drops toward the ground, seeking completion in seeds sent out.

Some personal drama in my life, a misunderstanding, and a struggle for relationships to renew themselves and change. My emotion mind swings back and forth, from black to white to black again. I try to stop the pendulum in grey. I center myself. I do not want to drink or cut.

My emotions seem stopped in time, in some place where I felt tranquil. The Presence has my life; the power in the forest rules over me. My future is certain/uncertain, and I ask that I be given the strength to deal with my challenges.

I suppose that this challenge is the reason I was raped, maybe. To be strong and be able to take care of myself, and face my burdens and gifts. Now that I can stand on my own two feet, maybe the task is to sharpen my skills at relationship building. At least I hope that's what this is about. I don't look to anyone else to solve my problem. I am willing to face it alone. I have a network, and the forest and field; I have a program.

Today, I will work toward my own good, to do what is necessary for myself and the small unicorn meat eating lives entrusted to me. You know that I love where I live; the small apartment with the white walls, and grey carpet, tidy as a ship's cabin. I love how my things fit here, and the neighbors, and the greenway out back. The old picture of a young woman on horseback whispers to me, "You are strong." Today, I will have to think, which is not my strong point.

Today, I am in love with a friend.

And if all this seems complicated, then life generally is: I am powerless over it, and it is unmanageable. My mind is less a whirlwind of confusion than my writing is, this morning. I apologize for that. I don't mean to be cryptic, but circumstances demand it.

Max sleeps while his head rests on the golden blanket, the color of his fur. It is plush and velvet, like he is. I look at my own things about me, and know that I only belong to myself.

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