This is not the blog I wanted to write. After my mini vacation this weekend, I wanted to write a funny blog. Something entertaining. But what has come out is just the flat and unfunny truth. And I am sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow. But there is a lot of anguish in being mentally disabled, and particularly bipolar, since I can only speak from my own experience. And the anguish tends to leak all over the place. That said, here it goes.
Orgasm isn't any different for us than it is for others. It's the same old, same old thing and we like it that way. What is different is that our medications effect our sex drive. And that's a whole different can of worms.
Now, I know the readers without mental disabilities are thinking, "Well, my blood pressure medicine affects my sex drive. How are they any different?" What if EVERY pill your doctor prescribed for anything affected your sex drive For The Worse? And, no matter how much they changed them, if you did get one that didn't affect your sex drive (doesn't happen, by the way) it has the side effect of say, bleeding from the eyes? Or permanent damage to the kidneys?
So, at the beginning, we are set on an endless cycle of searching for a medication that doesn't have THAT effect. It's Something We All Know.
Then there is dangerous "sex", which is not really sex. Where our mental disabilities put us at risk in a situation and we don't perceive that risk. That's how I came to be sexually assaulted by an M.D. My mind just kept telling me that what I was perceiving was false. I didn't trust myself and my perceptions enough to be able to defend myself. And since I was psychotic at the time, when I did report it, I was put into the psych center, where I ended up being "under the care" of the doctor who raped me. Almost 2 decades later, and he is still practicing, and yet, has 4 more charges of sexual assault against him.
Then there is fun sex. Having mania is one of the best feelings in the world, although the consequences are usually disastrous for us and those around us. But having sex with a person to whom you are committed while they are manic can be spectacular.
Bipolar people are quite creative, which can be quite fun in bed. And we are so happy to "be connected" to another human being that it can also be a very joyful occasion. We have a helluva imagination
At this time in my life and, this is very normal for people 'like' me: I have had one relationship where sex was a component in 17 years; it lasted 4. Believe me, I still have sex, but not with anyone else. (I told you we have great imaginations and a rich fantasy life. Thank you, Alan Rickman!) And this is only after my therapist, TOLD me to get crackin', as it were. I had been celibate for 4 years and had gotten very sick. Sex and food and shelter are basic drives. Lose one and get ill. And yes, we do have to discuss this shit with our therapists. And now, I am blogging about it.
And this post doesn't come close to saying all I have to say on the subject, but it's enough for now.
I hope I'll still see you tomorrow.