Whirlwind Days

The house I used to live in, where the bear visited me, has burned to the ground. I have been at a loss for words for two days now. A neighbor called me before the fire trucks came, but it was out by the time I got there. Only wisps of smoke rose from the wreck.

I had just been there the day before, to help an old house mate, and love on the animals for a while. Another house mate died, as well as all the animals. Two people made it out alive.

I cannot describe the horror I felt, looking at the poor, burned house. No more than I can tell you how I feel this morning, having coffee, listening to National Public Radio, and thinking of the animals, waiting for someone to come and get them, alone and afraid. I cannot bear the thoughts.

I will not write about the dead woman. She was mentally incompetent, and was a great animal lover. But she is not part of the blog, or my life.

But the other house mate, and the animals, are.

There was Jasmine: I called her "Jazzy June". She was an 18 year old, excitable, Mini Doberman Pinscher. She was love on a stick, and her small, stubby tail would wiggle her back end, when she saw me.

Grace, or "Gracie" was an grumpy dilute torti, who, despite the handicap of having to live in a cat's body, knew she was a goddess. She would come running for food, or love, at any time of the day or night. And she was a great escape artist, shooting out of an open door, like a cannonball shot out of a cannon.

Together, they would cover my lap when I went to visit. Gracie, the little fat dumpling, was bigger than Jasmine, and she always won the lap spot. But Jazz would settle in beside me, or jump up on me when Gracie had had enough love.

They were found in the living room, huddled on the couch together. I can't think of it!

It has been a whirlwind, and I cannot sleep.

Trying

I am having dark moments, sometimes.

The man I love is having cancer removed from his arm, today. He has had quite a few of these operations, so that every dawn is important.

I am trying to have coffee with a cat determined to head butt me. At least, Max the dog is quiet.

There is a conglomeration going on in my life that is crowding my head. Some of it is real: AA is full of sick people trying to get well. Some of it is not: I am trying to get well. Apparently trying is not good enough...

Books

Books for sale: a lovely couple of my acquaintance has made the request of a baby book inscribed with a note from the giver, in lieu of cards at their baby shower...

By now, I should be used to people "unfriending me" on Facebook, but the sadness comes every time...

I still have my Christmas tree up, by the way. The man I love wants to get more seasonal decorations, and so I will make my way to a 'dollar store' today, and hit the kids' bookstore on the way back. Max has been up for about 2 hours now. I am manic, and can't sleep. I am still processing the physical assault back in January. And also, life is catching up with me.

But, as a friend has said, I am not planning on having a bad day today. It will be hot and windy, but with water and storms to keep it cooler. The grass and the ground need the water: the ground has gotten crispy to the touch. 

I miss the sound of Dark Star's voice: she is on vacation, with her husband, in Australia. I want to talk to her about Minkins, and how his fur was soft, and his head was regal, safe in the knowledge of my love for him.

I wish someone were up, so I could talk to them...

Cardinal

I woke this morning, surrounded by a lack of fur. Max, the dog, slept in Minkins spot, beside my head. The other, unicorn meat eating cats are glued to me. Last evening, about twilight, we buried Minkins in a cool and shady spot under the clover. I picked a spot thick with clover, that the bunnies love running over, when they silflay* in the evening. Some mint grows nearby, and we could smell it and the old, blasted pine tree while we dug.

Now, Minkins is a star-cat, and ghost-cat. He can travel wherever he wants now. Oh, stay by me, Star-Cat!

My comfort last night was a diet Orange Crush and a Milky Way bar. You know, the king sized version. I cried so hard my eyes swelled shut, like they do, and made it hurt to cry.

I don't cry easily: just my upbringing. And I couldn't cry when my service animal, Eddie, passed. But I have come a long way since then, and I let myself cry until I fell asleep.

It's a relief to cry. It's a blessing and a gift. Use it when you have to.

I have been going through a transition recently. I have another diagnosis that I have learned to accept. I was assaulted in January, and experienced a mental shutdown after that. The memories of the assault are coming back to me slowly.

And, just as slowly, I return to my AA meetings, and my BPD group. It's good to be back among other women, who understand. Some women don't understand. They won't get treatment. Some of them have caused me no end of grief.

But I want to be well, and healthy and whole. I am taking Geodon now, after a brief interlude with Latuda. I will let you know how it works. But today, I am ok. I have a meeting today, and a dog to walk and some cats to love. 

A cardinal lives in the tree that shades Minkins place.

*Silflay: author Richard Adams. From Watership Down. To feed in the evening, while the dew falls.

Minkins

He was a small handful when I first got him. His mother died shortly after giving birth, and he had to be fed with a hand dropper.

He was Eddie's favorite cat of all time. Eddie was my service animal, a black lab. And when the kittens opened their eyes, they imprinted on Eddie. Minkins and his sister, Echo, whom I lost 2 years ago, were an enormous comfort to me. 

He liked filling my mouth with his fur, bumping his head against my face, when I tried to sleep. He would cuddle in my arms, or hide behind the pillow to nap. He had a favorite chair, and that's the last place I saw him sleeping. I tousled his head and pulled gently on his ears. 

He is a Spirit Cat now, and I will bury him with some of Eddie's ashes in a shady corner of the yard of the man I love.

Vegetables

Is it really hot fun? Yes, of course. The all-day, hot days are upon us. It's not so bad in the morning, but by afternoon, the humidity makes it seem like Max and I are swimming through the heat. His new, favorite place to sleep is the hallway, where his fat, Corgi body is hit by the air currents from several fans.

The unicorn meat eating cats have their own fan, in the sun room. It gets hot in there, but they love it all the same. Max and I prefer it cooler.

Several friends are on vacation right now, so here's a shout out to Australia; the Land of Oz.

The summer tomatoes aren't in yet, but I am determined to make macaroni salad, out of the vine-ripened tomatoes sold at the local grocery store. I have a cucumber, and some celery for it, and I like a touch of garlic with mine. Lots of veggies, and a minimum of mayo, make it perfect.

That, eaten while watching a Harry Potter movie, is the best way to spend a summer's day...

Breathe

I am so glad to be writing again, that I cannot express myself properly. I missed you!!!

It is cool and rainy today, and my windows are open to the sounds of traffic and the rain together. The unicorn meat eating cats sniff below the window, at the air being sucked inside by the fan. They can smell Summer...

Max is adjusting to his seizure medicine, and I am adjusting to mine. The nightmares are going away.

This morning Max and I ran into 2 squirrels who seemed to be on a first name basis: they were chasing each other around the church parking lot. After spotting Max, one ran for it, and one tried to run up the side of the church, but fell. He landed softly on some bushes and took off. The other squirrel ran in the opposite direction. I only hope that they can reconnect after the fright they have had. I worry about things like that.

I am reconnecting with the summers of my youth. We did not grow up with central air conditioning, and I have an apartment with no central air. The stickiness of a summer evening is not exactly a fond memory, but at least I have a window unit and some fans. Which is more than some folks have. I have donated electric fans to the LOA (League for Older Americans) before, and I suggest it is something easy to do for the elderly. Box fans are on sale right now at Family Dollar for $17, and it is sometimes the gift of life to others. For those of you so inclined, local animal shelters can often use fans, as well.

I will be trying to pick up my blog again, and if you feel so inclined, please join me here tomorrow.

Not Your Average Monday

This valley is becoming hot again. My Hispanic neighbors have put a lovely set of green furniture on their porch; it is an oasis to the eye. The unicorn meat eating cats pester me to go outside. So I spread catnip in the kitchen, so they forget why they are heading for the door.

One hot cup of coffee in the morning will do me now. After that, I drink it iced. My apartment kitchen isn't cooled, so I do not cook much now. But, it is the time of year for salads, and yogurt and fruit.

I was walking Max in the Huff Lane Park, when I spotted an Army helmet and novel about war propped up against a tree. Who was it for? I don't know. But the silent memorials like that, always touch my heart.

I am happy with my "ready made family". The man who loves me has a 17 year old son who just graduated high school. He is headed for the local community college in the fall, and then a major university after that. So we went to the graduation ceremony Friday. The man I love cried during the ceremony, and I got to kiss the tears from his face. There is young hope in the world, after all.

This man I love is Army Strong, but as tender-hearted as a child. I still pinch myself when he tells me he loves me. Even my brother approves.

Enjoy this day, while you can. Do something for someone else, today. And for yourself.