The Fifth of July

I made it through yesterday without a drink. How about you? It was a typical Fourth of July...the rain turned off and on, like someone turns on a spigot. The back yard is flooded, but, to my amazement, no water has come into the basement apartment where I live. The dog has been 'holding it' for days now, with no end in sight.

The unicorn meat eating cats happily sleep the days away, as if they were made to do so. I called them all in last night, when I heard the first fireworks bang. Safely, we watched TV together, out of the rain, and away from the scary noises of the night...

I want to speak of something very dear to my soul. The lack of a bathtub in my apartment. I make do with a smallish shower, originally built for a 92 year old man and his wife. Me, the bath addict. I haven't had a proper soak in 2 years. It's killing me. Yeah, I have friends that volunteer their tubs, but I feel the effort is wasted, if I can't get out of the tub and lounge around in my bathrobe, afterword. It's just not the same using someone else's tub. Even a hot tube won't do, much less the Pond that is currently in the backyard.

How did I end up like this? What did I do, in some previous life, to merit this curse? What exactly, is God thinking?

This is not to mention the kitchen that is the same size as a cracker box. And the one window that is my connection to the outside world.

There is enough to like about my apartment that I do not search for another...I love the neighbors, and the location, my animals are welcome, and it's 'cozy'. I actually love to mow the lawn, and I enjoy the company of at least one housemate...if not others. It is secluded, but close to Downtown, and has lots of green, with the woods and the meadow. I have my garden, and I plant a good deal, if I like.

But no tub to soak in...and no room for one, either.

I suppose in the affairs of the world, this is a very small one, about the size of my shower stall, but my world revolves around me and my comfort. We call it 'self-soothing' in group therapy class/session. To enjoy a bath has always been a comfort to me, and not all the scented candles, and electric heaters in the world, can make up for the loss.

Ah, well.

I felt the lack most keenly yesterday, stepping out of a pouring rain, into an air-conditioned house. I have no control over the temperature in my apartment, by the way. I wanted a good, hot soak, but had to huddle up with Max, under a blanket. And yes, I would like some cheese with this whine.

I will open the window for the cats this morning, for a little while anyway. The humidity is 100%, and it is very hot. The TV told me yesterday, that this storm comes straight up from the Gulf of Mexico, and I believe it...we are experiencing very tropical weather. I can imagine Jamaica is a lot like this, with beaches, of course.

It is my favorite time of the day, about 2 hours before dawn. I will pay for it tomorrow, but I have enjoyed the night by myself. I have been having fluctuations in my sleep pattern for about one week now. I think it must be the bipolar disorder, as I have heard many complain about their reversals of day and night on the many discussion pages I subscribe to.

I have always confused the actions of the bipolar disorder with that of borderline personality disorder. I wish I could understand it better, the differences. But my mind, confronted with the information, has a hard time personalizing it. My therapist and my shrink have to point out which behavior belongs to which disorder. For instance, I always thought that my impulses came from mania, and then I find it is a major component of borderline. Of course, I make horrible mistakes when I am manic, and then an impulse hits me.

Then, feed in the alcoholic behaviors and I have a hodgepodge of symptoms. It's confusing to know which technique to use when these behaviors crop up. Sometimes, DBT and CBT (dialectic behavioral therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy) can be used to address an issue, or a way of thinking. Sometimes the AA program can be used to address it. All I can do, or handle, is to slow my day down and try applying one technique, or way of thinking, after another, until something works. I can't do any of that, if I am drunk. And I don't resist the impulses if I don't take my medication.

Some times, most of the time, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, and plod on. My routine, and my support network, especially my friends Dark Star, and Exponential, keep things moving in a logical sequence. I have to touch reality everyday to communicate with my therapist and my shrink...not to mention my sponsor. This technique is known as "grounding" and it was Eddie Spirit dog's major function. To touch reality, to not get lost in my delusional thinking, I have to constantly ground myself.

To be simple, I have to practice Mindfulness. I have to pay attention to what goes on around me, in the real world. Otherwise, I end up in my little, twisted, delusional world, where everything is happy and I am master of the universe, except for those CIA fellows following me. So I self-soothe sometimes. Or I hold a cube of ice, or pet one of the animals, or wash dishes, or light some candles.

I face reality every morning with my higher Power. I enter the forest, or stand on the edge of the meadow. I think today is a day for the meadow, as the trees are busy raining. I love the Queen Anne's Lace, and the purple chicory. The trees move in the breezes in the distance, and the sun rises. Max curls up and snores, with his butt resting against my leg. Ratty cleans at the foot of the bed, and Georgia sleeps. Minkins is made for this time of day, he is most active now, and he moves about the apartment, and waits for the window to be open. It's time to rest a bit, before dawn...