Sunlight on the Field

Too much caffeine and not enough happy pills yesterday. Could you tell? Two hours before dawn. As always, the dried elk meat eating cats play, wide awake, and the dog sleeps. Outside, everything is dark, and the temperatures are very mild for this time of year. The light is on for the cats, and I can see the container with the dahlias and daisies in it. The geranium needs to be pruned and the tomatoes staked.

I see my psychiatrist, my shrink, today. You know, the one that has me as a reason to wake up every morning. I happen to like my shrink and have been seeing him for about 18 years now. He won't give me the fun drugs, the benzos, but I have to respect his hard-headedness. I have been crazy as a loon over the years, but the only time he gave me the fun drugs, was when Mom was dying...Now I just have to bear with the paranoia, the rages, the insecurities, the impulses and the flashbacks, and just suck it up.

Of course, the Abilify helps, but puts on weight. But, it is such a relief to be unburdened by the paranoia, that I have decided to put up with it. All I can do is try to eat healthy, exercise, and take my anti-Evil pills.

Loverboy still needs a foster/adopt: Please help if you can.

Such a sweetheart!

I can't take him because I have two boys already. If Loverboy was Lovergirl, I would take her in a NY minute, as we say...but as it is...

My coffee tastes particularly good this morning, and I am grateful for it. Tea is still the major drink of most of the planet, though, for that morning beverage. I love tea, but it just doesn't have the oomph that I look for in my morning drink. I am also grateful today, that my morning drink is non-alcoholic. Getting smashed before dawn used to be fun, but not any more. And I hate to tell you, not to be judging or anything, but if you are getting toasted before dawn, it's a good bet that you're an alcoholic...

My efforts to distance myself from the active alcoholics in my life, without enmity, proceeds apace. Active alcoholics are so touchy! Both are busy dying, at a very quick rate, and it is quite frightening to watch. God deliver me from that fate! I feel like a life raft, at any contact from them. They are so very desperate! I see now why lifeguards are told to disengage if in danger: the drowning person will take you down with them, sometimes, in their desperation to avoid dying...

If you are out there, drinking, I want you to know, that I pray for you...every night and every morning.

So, my shrink. I have written about him in blogs before, the vast estate, the servants, breakfast in bed while contemplating what pill not to give me, to make my life easier. All shrinks live that way, didn't you know that?

I know, I know. It's actually the drug companies who are getting rich. But I need my Abilify so much! Despite the side effects, I would have done anything to get away from the paranoia, and the insecurity and feeling of abandonment. And it's all taken away! Just like that! So I don't have any kind of sex life, and I am fattening up like a pig in the summer woods.

And my anti-Evil pill, my Prozac. I couldn't survive without it. So, while I despise the profits, I cannot ignore the effects. I do not cut, and I do not drink. I don't spend all day in bed, feeling hopeless. I go to my groups, and my therapy session. I take care of those around me, and myself, and I put aside a little time for fun. I am so fortunate.

I took a shower yesterday, and plan on taking one today. I always try to be clean for my shrink. There have been many, many times, that I walked into his office, and not known what it was to be clean, or conversely, haven taken 8 or so baths during the day. I did that after the second rape. Eventually, I would just make the water extra hot, and get in and out of it, at my leisure.

But I don't have to do that today.

Today is Tuesday, Tyr's Day, the norse god of War. Dawn comes and the gladiolas are set to bloom, deep pink and uber white. The sky is lighting up behind the trees. The birdsong is especially sweet this morning, as well. It's supposed to rain all week, in this small corner of the world, but the days are fine, with low temperatures...out in the field, the wildflowers bloom, purple and orange. I think of the sunlight on the field behind the Old House. And the mountains in the distance.