Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Unpacking the Ornaments

Today is therapy group day and I am glad about that. I am on steroids for a rash, and I am having a hard time concentrating; maybe group will help. I worry about my mental health and stability as we head into the holiday season. Now, it's complicated by prednisone.

What I hold onto is my AA meetings and taking life "one day at a time." I ask my higher power for help every morning and during the day, glad to have something concrete to hold onto. I walk the dog, clean the apartment, set out Christmas decorations. I admire the sunlight, and the full moon by clouds. A small, white, lighted Christmas tree sits on my bedside table, a memory from childhood. When I turn off the lights, at night time, the colored bulbs throw rainbow colored shadows on the walls and ceiling of my room.

I have been awake for 3 hours, it's about an hour before dawn. Soon, it will be time to take another dose of prednisone. My poor body, first bombarded with antibiotics, and now steroids, has taken on a life of its own. It moves about 60 miles per hour, my heart racing, with my thoughts not far behind. The only way to slow the world down is to breath as slowly and steadily as I can manage. I eat on time, to keep to some kind of routine, and take the other medications, as well. I have cut back on coffee and cigarettes, just to keep me from flying into a million different pieces. My hands shake anyway.

I feel raw. I talk to as many people as I can during the day, about how I feel. I acknowledge my instability and feelings of insecurity. I try to slow each day down, by being deliberate in my actions: bathing, dressing, eating, talking. Sometimes I run hot and cold. I freeze at room temperature, but sweat in the cold breezes outside, when I walk the dog. My face tingles.

I feel as if I have written a novel this morning, but the post seems small when I reread it. I have been crazy like this before. I know the things to do to conquer it: walk, eat, attend AA meetings, don't drink, rest, sleep.

Time for a break.

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