Friday, July 26, 2013

Grateful World

Very dicey dreams again last night, but I have no desire to drink or cut, for which I am profoundly grateful. I was bad last night, and instead of an AA meeting, I went to help out a friend who was selling Brooklyn style sausages. They were divine...I just hope my sponsor doesn't find out.

Yes, the unicorn meat eating cats are out already. The dog, Max, hides under his blankie, to avoid the light. I could use a few more hours of sleep, myself. But that will come in time.

I am happy that I have a busy day planned, and I hope that you get to get out and do something, too, wherever you are. It is 2 hours before dawn...

I have thought about what it is to have a relationship, lately. I have never been successful at it. The boyfriends/husbands have either been abusive, or so emotionally cold they were the equivalent of the Arctic Circle. And so, I retreat into fantasy, where I am having an really great emotional relationship with Severus Snape right now. And you know how warm and fuzzy a man he was. As we all know by now, he was all warm and fuzzy inside, he just couldn't say it. That's the kind of guy I pick. Death-eaters who can't communicate.

I do much better with friends. I pick warm, emotional people who are all out for self-improvement. They love me to no end, and I love them back just as fervently. Now, I have had friend failures: the recent decampment of the Saucy Brit, for example. I had hints she wasn't the top drawer of friends, but let them pass me buy. I truly enjoyed her company.

Anyway, I need a relationship right now, so new to sobriety, like I need a hole in the head. But it is something to think about, this emotional Avoidance that I practice, as a short term solution to my problems. I have trust issues. Some of it is from physically abusive relationships, and some of it is from being raped.

It's hard to have a meaningful, romantic relationship with a broken Truster. But, as I said, I don't need a relationship right now. Not that it has ever stopped me.

I can tell I want to write from my twisted little world-view, today. It's not a bad thing, I rather enjoy my sick little world. But I am supposed to be practicing harmony and balance. Sometimes, though, all those things go out the window.

Sure, I would love to be drinking vodka right now, but I would not love to be throwing up, or not able to drive, or get out of bed, when getting out of bed is a necessity. Now, the guy next door that drinks all the time: he can't handle his checkbook, and can barely make it to the mailbox. Someone else handles his bills and money. He has no responsibilities, and doesn't want any, to the point of not having to take care of his own health by eating. It's not as if someone else eats for him, it's just that most of the time, he skips the food. When he does eat, someone else has made it for him. He is dying in a particularly pathetic, baby-like way, including the diet, bottle-fed.

The drunk that calls me is dying too, but he gets out of bed, and has to go out himself to get booze, and the occasional foodstuffs. He manages his own money, and cleans his own apartment. He can figure out how to use his phone, and he does use it, I can tell you that. He is successful at standing. When he thinks he is dying as fast as he really, truly is: he goes to the hospital.

This is how I don't want to end up, and I know that it is a deliberate attempt by my higher Power, by the Presence in the forest and the field, to show me what is waiting for me, if I really, really want to drink that badly. Jails, institutions, and death.

There are no other choices, when we drink or use.

So it is dark for me a bit, right now, but not that dark. I am closer to death than yesterday, but everyone dies. I have friend-love, and cat-love and dog-love. I can wipe my own ass, today. I am grateful.

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