I have written my blog for today, and I contemplate posting it. Maybe another day. It's full of anger, and I choose not to start my day like that, today. I "had a bad day" yesterday, after a brilliant start. My choices led to some of the bad: I meant to go to a meeting, I meant to get out more, I meant to mow. I chose to drink too much caffeine, and I smoked too much. I ended up arguing with someone on Facebook, about their stupid opinion, and I ended with a car whose battery smoked.
That's fixable. I didn't argue too hard, in fact not enough, as the opinion expressed was so patriarchal, and bigoted as to defy description. I will get a car battery today, and I will even have help changing it, which is a luxury. A friend even lent me an alternative vehicle, to get around in. I was grateful, all day, that I was not drinking or cutting, or taking pills. I had someone, a friend, pray with and for me. They asked that my burdens be taken away, which is the nicest prayer anyone can say for me. And then she invited me to breakfast this morning.
So, some good things happened, and some shit happened, but I got love, and shit always happens, and I didn't drink or cut.
And this morning, if I am still too agitated and worried, that is a problem with acceptance, and the late hour at which I retired. So, I feel too agitated to go into the wood this morning, but I think of the field, below the Old House, and I miss my Mother. I can see the field; I looked at it for 27 years. I see it in the lemony sunlight of winter, when the grass sparkled with dew, and shone with the frost. There is something beautiful in the naked form of a tree in the winter. Something about the bark, and the logical growth of the limbs, that calms. There are red berry bushes that grow in the winter, between the trees, and the cardinals eat them, in a flash of crimson.
The gold brown of the leaves underfoot, release a warmed scent, from the earth. They are next year's dirt, and the scent of white pines, and the cedar that grows wild here, are in the air, as well. And if I "had a bad day" yesterday, still today, I look up and the pink gladioli are in bloom, and the pine scent will be for another day. It simply waits with patience.
The clouds drift over the field, but the sky is winter white and blue, and almost aches in it's clarity. And the dawn, this morning, this moment in time, is silver and green and brown. Each leaf is perfect, in it's own way, and the birds sing like no other time of year, they are full and happy. The grass grows by leaps and bounds, and the clover shines like stars...
My goals today, are to make it to an AA meeting, and to fix my car. My goal today, is to maintain my sanity, by eating, and taking my happy pills. A nap would be good as well. To come in from the heat, to the luxury of cool air, and lie down in a darkened room and let my eyes and body rest, for a bit.
The day starts quietly.