Sunrise

It is five hours until dawn. The night is very cool for this time of year, and the cats don't come back in to feed. It is a lovely time. Dark Star and Schrodinger will be in town in about 12 hours. The chili is in the pot, and the crisp veggies are in the frig. The tea is cooling, and the coffee scents my small kitchen.

Everything is good except I ate in my sleep last night, cherry pie. Now I wake and my stomach is almost too full to hold some coffee. Binging is one of my least favorite symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I am 20 pounds overweight, and feel like I move like a bulldozer.

I refilled my prescription of Trazadone, an anti-depressant, and sleeping medication. Trazadone was a very large, round pill. Now it is shaped like a trapezoid, and seems specifically designed to catch in the throat. Needless to say, it is the worst, most bitter pill to swallow, like the disorders it treats.

Lemon water this morning, with the coffee. I am luxurious today. I have flowers by the bed, and lemon for my water, compliments of the food bank. The familiar cat statues rest on the television. Breakfast will be a long time coming. I taste the light of fall in the coffee, extra rich and dark.

I stop outside the door for a moment, the zinnia grow wild between the paving stones. The Mexican daisies light the garden with their yellow nature. As yellow as lemon. The grass is still green, and the leaves of the trees, but the air is very cool. The leaves won't be green for long, now.

I think I'll sit here for a while, in the red rocking chair. The season moves out there in the dark, and it's wise not to tamper with it as it changes. Like a bride changes into her wedding gown, the earth has put on it's slip, and prepares for the heavily embroidered dress to be lowered over her head.

There is time enough in this small garden for us to have a cup of coffee. The unicorn meat eating cats are in search for some wild meat. I cannot see the moon on this cloudy night. The edge of the woods beckons, but it is too early for the forest. I saw a small herd of deer in the field yesterday, complete with two fawns.

I can't stay up all hours tonight, as I have a busy day, and visitors coming. In a bit, I will take part of a trapezoid and go back to sleep, with the dog snoring peacefully beside me. Therapy was good yesterday. I like my therapist more every time we visit.

We talked of my friends and the white heat of excitement I generate at their visits. We spoke about the deep depression I suffer when they leave. We decided that I need to practice Wise Mind: neither the unemotional Rational Mind, nor the unstable Emotion Mind, but some point in between. I will have to pay attention to my emotions, to listen and acknowledge what I need for fulfillment. I will also have to engage Rational Mind to realize that just because they leave and live somewhere else, doesn't mean they don't love me.

I move back to my room. Ratty has come back in to sleep, and he and the dog squint their eyes closed, and pretend to sleep while the light shines and a candle burns, scenting the room. It's the last day of the orange zinnia. I will have to pick another tomorrow.