Kicking Off the Weekend

First of all, I know that I am not doing myself any favors, by continuing to wake at this hour. Although my real sin, is to stay awake. Enough rest, preferably at night, is the hallmark of care of MI's (mental illnesses.) But, somehow, I have always felt immune from the rules in some ways: it explains my chronic relapses.

Now that I grow older, I realize that no one is immune from the rules, whether you think you live by them or not. Everyone dies, and when, and in what manner lies so much within our grasp. I say that as a woman of my class, in my country, in my culture. My choices are my freedoms. That being said, I can clarify by pointing to the countless multitudes of people who have no choices of how they live, within their grasp.

I suffer less from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) this morning, than I have been. At 49 and 1/2 years of age, I can now have a meaningful discussion with my psychiatrist and my therapist. While it is not one of the goals I set for myself at 13, which had more to do with being a female astronaut, there is a richness about being able to communicate, and to understanding, than I ever dreamed of, just being young.

As I noted in an earlier blog, I needed those appointments after my PTSD was triggered. Now that the adrenaline surges are lessened, what I am experiencing is a love of who I have in my life, and a melancholy about  time passing so swiftly. There seems to be such a short time to love all whom we have come here to love!

As I told my shrink yesterday, my life seemed so much better with my Psychiatric Service Dog, Eddie. He provided grounding and structure to a seemingly chaotic world, that I just don't get with my medications. And if I seem down this morning, it is just the point I try to illustrate: don't keep yourself awake if you can possibly help it.

Quite frankly, I am at the point of thinking, "This sucks" and shelving this post for the delete pile. I wish I could convey to you my middle aged angst, and a feeling that the Empire is crumbling, and the Goths are at the gates. It took Rome 400 years to move from the Republic, to the ending of the Empire.

I think that's it's just the feeling, that at this point in my life, something is over. I am pretty sure that I will double up on my anti-depressant again, this morning.