Anticipation

As if an injured leg and pleurisy/bronchitis wasn't enough, Saturday I developed an all over body rash. I just itched in agony until I went to the doctor yesterday, and she obligingly put me on steroids. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how I roll.

It is cold enough, in this small corner of the world, for it to be painful when I take Max out in the morning. The unicorn meat eating cats go out in intervals to enjoy the sunshine. They are still angry at me for changing the seasons on them, but I really had no choice. It's cold and crispy enough to see my breath when I go out, and the grass sparkles with frost. The lavender is still green and silver, and it crouches by the dead zinnia, like a dog beside a hunter.

Yesterday, I was too busy scratching to type; and benedryl seemed to have stopped working. And, since my doctor didn't test for allergens, I still have no idea what I developed a reaction to. We simply treat a symptom and hold our breath that whatever it is, will pass over me like the Angel of Death passed over the Israelite households when Moses brought the plagues on Egypt.

Whatever happens, it looks like I will be manic for Christmas.

Since I tend to like to bake a good deal at that time of year, it could turn out to be a good thing. Lately, I haven't had the energy to fold my laundry, or clean the dishes. But I have been taking the dog for his walks, concentrating on getting the maximum amount of sunlight in a day. It's an accomplishment.

I usually do a spectacular crash and burn for Christmas, having been taught that the holiday can be a perfect experience for the family and friends. It now takes all my energy to focus on the fact that Christmas is not, and never will be, perfect.

If I can stick to my routine, and walk the dog everyday, I may make it through the holidays with relatively little discomfort and no cutting or drinking. My major disappointment with Christmas is that it has to end, in a way. Just as the sun shine gets less and less, we take the lights down, banish the tree from the living room, and put up all the scented candles until next year.

One year, I left the tree up past Valentine's Day. It was very cheerful. Especially since I hate Valentine's Day, but that's a post for another day.

But today, I will walk the dog and take my medications. I will pull out some Christmas decorations and scatter them about the apartment, like so much glitter.