Morning and Marigolds

It's a busy day for me today, and I am grateful for it. I love these cool mornings, and breezy afternoons, with the leaves shuffling underfoot. The bear got into the garbage last night, and took his booty off somewhere, I don't know where.

My old therapist is back. Not the old, old one, but the more recent, old one. And I am vastly comforted and relieved again to have someone to whom I have nothing to explain: he has heard it all. Dooley will be joining us today as a foster. I am desperate to place him with someone, but his time is out where he is. He is laid back, neutered male, UTD on shots. You remember me talking about him:

Please, if you live near Roanoke, VA, and know someone, arrange a meet and greet with Dooley today! Simply write me.

Perhaps I am simply stocking up on my cats, for the winter. But I have too many males as it is.

The grass is truly golden now, and the dead leaves drift across lawns and fields. They are caught in spider webs, and drift aimlessly to gather at the forest's edge. Some of the trees have caught fire, but their leaves stubbornly stay in place. No one has pumpkins out; bears love them, particularly the seeds.

But the trees and the weather decorate for us, and celebrate this hibernation we approach, called Winter. You know I love winter, I love to clean the ground in the garden down to the bones. I leave mulch down, leaves, to warm and protect the earth.

Yet, I look right now, at this bit of Spring called Silverlock. Or maybe, she really is a Winter kitten, with her coloring. She is a snow kitten. A winter gift. She has the energy and restlessness of the winds that blow in winter. And yet, she has the heart full of spring.

Cabbages and Chrysanthemums

It is a cool morning, and the cats have been out and back, again. It is a return of those days in the year, where there is an argument whether it is better to open the window, or to leave it closed. For my sanity, it has to be the depths of Winter before I will leave it closed. The unicorn meat eating cats circle me like vultures in the morning, around the door, and I give in. They eat unicorns, humans are next.

I have a rather largish apartment, but it cannot replace the 100 acre farm the Old House backed onto, in Botetourt. They had a cat door there, open 365 days out of the year. To say they are mildly discomfited by the restrictions placed on them now, is understatement. But one does what one can...

Silverlock has learned to nap with her foster human, and dog. I am always afraid I will roll over on her, but she manages to escape that fate.


I need a foster for Dooley: Dooley's parents moved into a restricted condo for their retirement, and couldn't take Dooley. He is very laid back, UTD on shots, and neutered. How can you not love this?

I sleep well, which I am grateful for. I do not want to drink or cut. I draw more strength from my women's AA meetings then ever I did the mixed ones.

Max has become obsessive about the kitten. He defends her against all comers, read: the unicorn meat eating cats. As always, his heart will be broken when she leaves...

I absorb the silence this morning like the trees breath in the cold. The leaves turn on each tree, but not enough to see when you look at a mountain. I feel wild in this cool, like a horse does. I want to sun myself in the autumn day, while the squirrels pick frantically through the leaves. I cleaned the garden yesterday, with a look at putting in some winter cabbages. Their leaves turn scarlet against the cold.

All of my childhood memories rushed back on me, when I saw a yellow, and then an orange, chrysanthemum, as they hung over the golden leaves in a yard, yesterday. They are set off by the grass, which is still green. I know the field at the Old House will be golden now, and the night is cooler there. The turkey will be walking the paths around the House, as will the deer, heading for winter pastures.

The bear here has not appeared in several days, it's time for another appearance. The cats fatten themselves for the coming winter.

Scary

A blog post in the afternoon. Well. I feel like Queen Elizabeth is stopping by, and I am naked. We all have those dreams...

This morning was just too Halloween to be awake for...lots of rain, droopy orange and yellow flowers, and dripping trees. While that was enjoyable, and the day is lovely, the bear still raids the trashcans in the neighborhood. Eventually, she/he will hibernate...let's hope it's before Halloween night, when all the kids run around.

I binge ate last night, all night long. Just general anxiety. What's new?

I am happy to report the government shutdown hasn't affected this page...I don't know why, I just write here. I am here on 2 days of mood stabilizers, and hope it kicks in pretty soon. I seem to do well as long as I stay away from humans, but I just can't arrange that, forever. This day has turned into an 'isolation' day, where I don't have to look at anyone else, but fuzzy people.

So, right now, I will continue to peruse Facebook. Scary.

Short Day

The sky is pink and the air is foggy this morning. The bear has come and gone, and left fond tokens behind. The unicorn meat eating cats have been out since 3 hours before dawn, and I am up to talk to you. Grab some coffee.

The mere illusion of relief from my new mood stabilizer makes it a good day. I'm supposed to take it at bedtime, but took it as soon as I got the prescription in my hot, little hands, yesterday. It will take several weeks, I am sure, to take effect. I need it to work faster. I don't want to spend Halloween going through some haunted house in my own head.

The autumn kitten, Silverlock, grows like a weed. At 5 weeks, she seems like an adult, already. Such a change from the first day, when she reacted in horror to the dog. Now, they are inseparable. Tiny scratch marks run down my chest and back; I am Mt. Olympus.

It is Sunday, so I will keep this short. See you tomorrow.

Does a Bear Poop in the Woods?

It is very dry here, and the bear is still on the loose. What an upside down year this is! I am simply glad it is cool outside. The cats' window is open, and this morning, Ratty, the orange tabby sleeps on the bed with me. I think Max is beginning to understand about the bear...he no longer asks to be let out in the early evening. We did go out this morning, together, and had a wonderful view of the stars, in all their glory.

My post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, has been triggered. I feel hunted. My stomach is the first system to go, and I deal with that, this morning. I no longer feel physically safe. I worry about my mental health, especially during this turnover time, with the abilfy leaving and the new medication starting. It is a miracle that I have managed to stay grounded this morning. I was not so lucky yesterday. But I did keep in touch with my therapist, by text, and my AA sponsor, and managed not to drink, or cut.

I must admit, I do let myself by distracted from my problems, by the sunshine, and the cooler days and nights. I feel a deep need to walk beside Tinker Creek today. The tops of the trees are on fire, and I want to be there to see them.

I feel too guarded to open my mind to the stars this morning, but I can see them; the skies are clear and a planet is out. I wait for the maple tree to catch fire, but it delays. It gets full sun, and doesn't want to admit the summer is over. The grass is fine, just as it is. It has not rained in a while, and I miss it.

Out there, in the woods, a bear goes to sleep, after a night of riotous living. The birds don't mind, they sing as always as the dawn sweeps over the tree line. It is a quiet morning, with the birdsong, and the tick of the golden clock on the dresser. Ratty and Max are with me, two notorious snorers, but make no sound. If I leave the door to my room closed, and just listen, I can fool myself into thinking it is early spring.

I have often thought, that I don't know what time of year I will die, but I hope it is Springtime. Fall will do in a pinch.

Usually I love the dawn, more than the sunset, but last night was an exception. The air was so clear and gray, and the grass so fine, and the sun so perfect, I stood outside with Max for a while. I remember a night spent floating under the stars, in the pool.

I will leave you here, with my uncollected thoughts, and hope to see you tomorrow.

Peaceful Puddle Place

I have no excuse for not writing this week, except the overwhelming nature of life. And the onset of situational and some seasonal depression. Let's face it, my motivation is around my ankles somewhere and I cannot reach them anymore. Also, for the first time in a good many years, I sleep through the night, now. And still take naps during the day.

I wake exhausted and rummage for food. Clean a bit, play with Silverlock and back to sleep we go. It's a shame I have to come out of mania just as my favorite season starts...the trees are turning the most marvelous colors.

I have been lazy about starting my new mood stabilizer, and it shows. But I do have this beautiful season. Yesterday, I bought a glittered pumpkin and put it out on a table. It's amazing what decorating for the holidays can do...at least for me. I love this month of apples, and pumpkins; of wild winds that blow from the north. A large flock of starlings encircled the parking lot trees at the AA meeting last night, and the group watched them in wonder, exclaiming at their songs, as we exited the church. How the earth still manages to enthrall us!

My therapist has come back from leave, and I did not know how much I would miss him, when I spoke to him yesterday, and almost wept. It is strange to think of my remote, frozen heart, still having unknown emotions. I am so good at lying to myself. The house I live in, is in chaos at the moment. I won't go into details, they don't matter. But suddenly I find I am at odds sometimes with a housemate I had counted as a friend.

Disagreeing with someone is one thing, but my peace is shattered at the sound of slammed doors and screaming. I don't really feel resentful or angry. I feel that I am being abused, in a physical and emotional way, and I have lived through too much to tolerate it. My boundaries are being stomped on, and I feel it in a very visceral way.

Of course, it triggers my post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd. I have to fight for balance with all the skills I have learned over the years, and my spiritual program. And now, there is a bear to consider as well. No more roaming about under the stars in the early morning. No more letting the dog out in the early twilight. I rarely watch the sunset now.

I do open the window for the unicorn meat eating cats, but it is much later in the morning. I know how fast bears can run, and black bears can climb. Georgia is a peaceful puddle at my feet.

May you find your peaceful puddle place today, and lie in the sunshine, while you can.

Later and Later

I know, I know, this is late. I woke with too little sleep and too much to do. Silverlock looks very wide-eyed being shoved into a crate, after a few hours of sleep on Current Mommy (Me). My prozac is stuck half-way down my throat, despite the coffee I pour on top of it, and the dog sleeps to get away from the frenetic kitten.

My tags are expired on my vehicle, I have no money for gas, and I wonder if I will be paid this week, with the government shutdown? The bear didn't hit the trash last night, the can is still upright on the walk. Silverlock takes an antibiotic for an upper respiratory infection, and I desperately need to vacuum the carpet, dust, wash some dishes, change the bed linens and try to come up with a pumpkin for one of my favorite holidays...

I need to do three loads of laundry, and yet, it's the time of year that I don't know where to put them when they are clean. Do I load them into storage bins now? Or wait several weeks? Do I wreck the storage room by turning out one of the winter clothes bins? Or just wait several weeks? Do bears eat pumpkins? Should I just try to get by on some jackets until November?

Will my dog be eaten by November? The pool is lovely now, and only a polar bear would swim in it. Do bears enjoy swimming pools? The zinnias are slowly dying, and only the dahlias and hydrangeas are doing well. Leaves just start to turn, and it is hard to take Max out in the mornings.

I am booked for the rest of the week. But I will see you here in the morning.