I Turn 50 This Year

I have a friend who is coming to visit the new apartment (and me) today. I am already manic, but am trying, through dint of effort to calm myself down. Cleaning the apartment has helped, and I have to take a shower in a bit; cleaning oneself is always the strongest social move. And I live with cats, so I should know.

The walk with Max this morning was bursting with white sunlight, and cold. I am fairly frantic to be back on my medication. Mania is always fun, most of the time, but I know, as day follows night, that depression will follow. I enjoy depression as much as an axe to the head, so I have to think ahead.

I don't know what has taken hold of me. I want to be free of this poor body that malfunctions. I want the body chemistry I had at 6 years of age. I don't know what I want. I just know that I am tired of pills and potions, poking and prodding. I am tired of doctors and their theories about what will work, when they have no personal experience of the consequences of their prescriptions. I am tired of the side effects that accompany every medication.

Almost 50 years of age, I am not tired of living. I think I get smarter, and more beautiful every year. I dress better than I did when I was 20, and I am much kinder. I have more friends and I count their value higher. I know what mode of living works for me. I know what I will tolerate, and what I will not. I value discovery more, as I get older.

Life is more interesting and less settled than it has ever been. I find I like that.

I remember my Grandfather on my Mother's side. We called him Papa. I remember him at the age of 55, when he retired, and how ancient he seemed to me then. I remember high school as if it were yesterday, and parts of my childhood, too. As much as I bitch and moan to my therapist, not all of life was bad.

Life is richer, today. I am less afraid to talk to strangers, or to go where I know no one. At 30, I thought I had life figured out. Now I know that I know nothing, and I like that. There is more to discover. I like yogurt more, and chocolate less. I like tea more, and coffee less. I want an adventure every day, and everyday is an adventure.

So don't be afraid of growing older. (And the sex is definitely better.)